funky doo

a reminder from a previous post...simplicity and uncertainty

 I re-read this post tonight while I was looking for a link to something else and just want to post it here as a reminder that God knows what He's doing in our lives.

Lots has happened since that post - not least our recent bereavement through miscarriage and the move of churches and progressing ordination for Andy in a very real.

But I still feel the same sense of security in what I wrote in the paragraph headed This is what I know. And I want to hold onto the sense of mystery and uncertainty - and yet real simplicity - that is paramount in our understanding of what God gets up to in our lives. Part of me is glad that this only makes sense with God involved...otherwise I don't know what I'd do!

A bit of a stream of conciousness but I feel affirmed that in an ever changing world and with our ever changing circumstances of the last few months - some things remain certain and God's call is one of those things.

 

 

preparation for Pilgrimage...

I'm about to embark on the last full week of work in the Area before a week of holiday and then a week away on Pilgrimage in Sheffield. I went to this event last year and took part in Stream 1 as a relative newbie to the world of LifeShapes and The Order of Mission which springs from it. Since then, we've recognised Andy's call to explore ordination and embarked on a new church and expression of churchmanship. We're also now part of a regular small group and wondering what God is calling us to and saying to us as all those changes take place and bed in. I'm very fortunate to be able to go on this conference as part of my professional development with work and to be able to apply it to my work context and my personal development in where God seems to be taking things with us as a family! I'm looking forward to the next 3 weeks immensely!

As part of some of my preparation for that week away, I've been doing some reading around the whole LifeShapes and Missional Community emphasis that originally came out of St Thomas' Sheffield and now is expressed through 3DM in the States and ECPN in Europe as well as the Order of Mission.

Mike Breen's blog has recently linked to a series of posts from another blog about their experience as a transitioning Missional Community and what that means and the process they have been through. It's fascinating and very exciting and although a million miles from where we're at in our church position right now, it's where we would see ourselves and believe God would see us being, once this next season works itself out.

So, the 3 posts are here (Post 1) here (post 2) and here (post 3)

If you have some spare time to travel with this team through their time on a Learning Community, applying the principles of LifeShapes and Missional Communities and not being bound by rules and religiosity, then I would recommend it!

I didn't really blog too much about Pilgrimage last year but I hope to be more in the zone this time round and will be taking the laptop with me!

Hope you've had a happy Sunday and be blessed as this new week unfolds!

why do you do what you do?? and a question for you...

I'm busy preparing for a CME (Continuing Ministerial Education) day tomorrow with Year 3 Curates in our Diocese. I'm doing some stuff on relationships between clergy and young people and why that is important in their faith development. Also inputting on various other things around youth culture and the church's attitude to young people and how we tackle confirmation etc. etc.

Anyway, all this preparation and thinking and wondering and writing always gets me excited - I love doing this sort of thing and as I logged onto the computer again this morning, St Aidan to Abbey Manor blog post struck me as speaking into these exact feelings.

DMK lists some of the things which motivate him to do what he does, in response to a post on Nick Page's blog. He lists competitiveness, making a difference, fun and frustration as some of the reasons why he does what he does...it made me wonder what makes me get excited and passionate about some things and not others. I've come up with this list so far:

1. Perfectionism - this has it's down sides but generally I feel as though I want things done right and properly - especially in relation to young people. I don't like them being sold short and not being given the fullness of opportunity. It makes me want to make things work well in the church and in it's outreach.

2. People - are what get me excited. I am an extrovert and thrive on being around others, talking, interacting and relating. As I get older, I do find I need more alone time, but then I find interaction in the form of Facebook and blogs helps me to be on my own but not removed from people completely.

3. Gratefulness - not sure whether this is a real word or not, but it underpins all of what I am. I am grateful that God found me out and brought me home when he did - I could have been on a very different path. I am grateful for the opportunity to do what I do and to be excited about going to work each day (most days!) I am grateful for the blessings of my family, friends, path of life that God has given me and I never want to get complacent about that. I think that transfers into my passion for youth work - I want the church to e grateful for young people in their midst and to never get complacent about what they can offer or how much they need us to love them. 

That's my first 3 - sure I'll think of some more...what makes and motivates you to do what you do?? Leave your comments or link to you blog!

stream of conciousness

It's a Thursday night and feels very much the end of my week, having worked on Sunday last week and had a busy week leading up to a busy weekend.

Part of last weekend included our first experience of marriage preparation. We were involved in the session at All Saints for four couples getting married in August and November. As we never made it to our Marriage prep, instead having a row on the M1, it was a little nerve wracking and I felt fraudelent...none the less, 8 years of marriage must count for some experience!! We did some stuff on Love Languages and led a discussion coming out of that and it was all nicely relaxed and informal and people seemed to get something out of it.

Next week we are also starting a new small group - just 3 couples and looking to work together through the LifeShapes material and apply that to our lives and faith. Should be good, I haven't led or been part of a study group like that for ages.

Alongside all that, there's a few things pinging round my brain, some personal and some very work related so I'm just regurgitating some thoughts here so I can sleep well tonight!

I've been intrigued by the response in this Diocese to the 'Principles of Deployment' discussion that has been happening in Deaneries and higher up. And I'm pleased about the desire and perceived need for more youth and community workers, which gives some focus and longevity to my work.

It's been a time of disappointing numbers - a couple of Deanery Forum events recently have not been well attended and the numbers for Equipping this year are slow for some venues...it's makes you wonder whether the date or the format is wrong, or whether something else has changed...??

Lots of my life and work and planning seems to be focused on July at the moment - Bradwell Pilgrimage YOuth Zone planning for 3rd July, SOLID Festival Leaders Lounge for 10-11 July, Falcon Afloat camp from 24th July...a busy month. All very exciting though and it's good to be getting out there and getting stuck in, rather than being stuck in meetings.

And just to add some flavour to the blog and a picture of something much more interesting than anything mentioned above, here's a recent picture of my beautiful 3 year old Bean!

simplicity and uncertainty

 A new Monday morning dawns and I seem to have fallen into a pattern of Mondays being an office/admin day. (well, it's worked the last few weeks, but a quick look at the diary shows it's the last for a while!) It works quite well as I get ahead of myself and the rest of the week seems to pan out better, notwithstanding the unexpected stuff of life with a toddler and in youth ministry!

I'm especially appreciating the space today as I get back to the nitty gritty after quite a grotty weekend.

Recent posts make no bones of the fact that, as a family and as individuals within that, we are in a bit of a state of flux. The history of all that goes back a long long way...around the time that Andy and I first met and he had returned to faith. Questions about our role in church leadership and which of us might be called to priesthood, ordination, church planting etc etc have always been around. They would at various times return to our present thinking for us to question and then would return to the back of our minds.

Our move down to Essex in 2006 was a response to a heightened sense that God was doing something new and different at that time - He certainly was as M came along pretty smartish after that! Her arrival and the move and the newness of jobs, church and location have all allowed us more space to say 'what now?'

In recent years, our understanding of our calling, as individuals and as a family has been in a certain language - church leadership, youth ministry, leadership development, mentoring....and along with our visit to the States in 2008 and my time at Pilgrimage and being immersed in LifeShapes stuff and The Order of Mission, we have had a lot to think about and process.

I'm always a bit sceptical when things that seem painful have a happy ending - they always seem to in other people! However, I can testify that out of the pain of my back injury in June, something became very clear. We were enjoying a weekend as a family as I was off work and we went for a (slow!) walk one Saturday before coming home for M to nap. During the nap time, I was leafing through youthwork magazine and was struck by a job vacancy which leapt out of the page at me...

The conversation that ensued involved us realising that we somehow needed to make space for Andy to explore the possibilities of ordination and the priesthood, specifically within the Anglican Church. He was first told/asked to consider that journey when he was 19 and at Oasis Youth Ministry in Manchester. It's been asked again more recently and become a more regular conversation (with others, rather than amongst the two of us) and we've always greeted it with a hmmm...But this was a realisation in both of us and this particular job provided a possible route, giving space as well as a return to an Anglican Church to gain immersion in that culture and the structural support that would be required.

With all that zooming round our heads, and the closing date for the job not until mid September, we plunged into our busy summer and talked about everything that was happening during car journeys and whilst trying to sleep at Soul Survivor! We put a number of fleeces out - and through those, God made it clear to apply for the job. Despite this, at one point I told Andy I couldn't go ahead, I loved my job too much and we needed to take things slower...but he and others rightly reminded me that the job had leapt out at us for a reason, and we needed to allow due process to happen. So I did apply, with some trepidation and reluctance but a huge amount of excitement and a sense of the possibilities opening up to us.

I've never been in that position - applying for a job when I didn't need a job or from having a job that I loved. It was a strange experience. My current job is one which has moulded around me, where I have found a niche and I see that God is using me to be effective in the local church. Although hugely challenging a lot of the time, it resonates with so much of where I know God wants to use me. As a family it works for us, it fulfills my need for people contact (although not always enough face to face youth work sometimes!)but I also have to be very self disciplined in how I work and managing my time effectively and spiritually.

I spent a long time over the application. By the end of it, I was fed up with the 'selling of myself' that such a process requires and I was glad to be done with it! Most of the time, I felt totally crippled with self doubt, could I do this if I got it, how would I cope with a job with such responsibility and the pressure of what the job might allow Andy to do as a result did feel like a big weight. Overall, it was all a hugely painful process - the thought of the implications of moving again (it is not a local job), the upheaval that would cause, the starting over (I had a stupid dream about there not being any hairdressers in the new place and my barnet getting out of control!!) and there were people that we wanted to make aware of this possible next move and whom we have hurt just in the telling. Despite the excitement and what this opportunity might all bring, we felt pretty crap.

And so we waited....and on Saturday, I got a letter to say that I hadn't been shortlisted.

Andy was in Brighton on the bike ride...so I stewed and ranted and cried a bit by myself. I talked to a few people...the general response was confusion, sympathy, surprise and sadness with a big fat dose of relief...one lovely person told me I'd always be top of their shortlist! A part of me was glad that I didn't get shortlisted - the door has been firmly closed and locked and there is no wondering about 'could I have done better' as there might have been with an interview.

And today, I sit here in my office, sorting out the mundane and pushing paper around, doing some emails and prep for training and I wonder...what is God doing? He's doing something, that's for sure and I'm running into that, cos He is my strong tower and my hiding place.

This is what we know: we know Andy is called to the priesthood, but we don't know how or in what 'way'. We know we want to respond to God's call, for Andy specifically at this time but for our family overall. We know for that to take place, we need to be back in an Anglican Church to allow that process to happen. We know we need to honour the process of selection that is required and we want to do that well while exiting and leaving behind other things in a godly and sensitive way. We know God has it in hand and we know He loves us. We know that this has been His call on Andy's life since he was 19. And we know God has never let us down and won't this time.

These are the simple facts - we share with you what we know...and we wait for God to make the next step clear. It's OK, because He is in control. I have no idea whether applying for THAT job was the wrong decision or whether we just needed to go through that process to make the priesthood path clearer. Who knows...but I'm glad we're not going anywhere for a while!

Andy's is the pink bum ;-)

 

I'm done already...

OK, so I'm done with the week...it's been a bit of a shock to the system to return to full pelt life in all it's fullness...only 4th September too, hey ho.

No-one's fault, just a combination of a busy few weeks leading up to the end of August - we didn't really stop between leaving for Soul Survivor on 12th August and getting back from my parents this Tuesday - and September biting me hard on the arse (sorry, hiney for US readers!!) I felt as though I had done quite a lot of prep work and getting ahead during the summer but there were some things still outstanding which I haven't done and that has probable clouded my overall sense of being 'in control'!!

We just got back into decent eating routine on Wednesday - for us, that is having our menu for the week planned out so whoever gets in first can start on dinner and we can see if we're missing anything and need to shop. It makes all the difference to our sense of well being and our budget but it's been hard to do when we've only been here a night or two and then away again. Despite having only 1 evening of work out of the house this week, I feel whacked but have had some early nights to no avail...The weekend beckons and I'm grateful, hoping to be a bit more motivated and with it by Monday.

One thing which I'm hoping might help overall is that we employed a cleaner today - which is something I feel hugely excited about but also monumentally guilty too...but I have to be less hard on myself in this respect. This is our reality - I work full time (plus a bit more), Andy works full time, we have a toddler. Andy Street Pastors, we run the youth at our church, we have family who lives miles away and we have tons of visitors which is what we love as well as a number of other responsibilities and ultimately things to keep this household running are not getting done. Those of you who know us well and have visited our home will know we do not live in squalor; we don't leave the washing up undone (often), we don't (often) have piles of washing all over the landing....generally we keep on top of it all, but that's about it! So, my lovely new cleaner lady Christine is going to take care of the deep clean stuff, like the big bathroom clean, mopping floors and moving furniture to hoover under it - stuff I NEVER do!

I get annoyed at myself for feeling guilty about employing a cleaner, cos I know it doesn't make me a failure- so I went back to the notes I wrote at Soul Survivor at the Women in Leadership seminar. I think sometimes, being a Christian woman can be a very hard place because you have huge expectations of yourself anyway and then there are even more from those 'watching you'. My response to the question "how do you do it?" (i.e. have a full time job, care for M, run a house, maintaining relationships, trying not to get fatter, smiling and being nice and compassionate and forgiving to people!) is to try and brush it off as a silly question "Oh you know, you do what you have to do"...when really I am knackered and feel frustrated and disappointed in myself and don't feel like I do any of it well. When I am also a woman in leadership, working for the Anglican Church, trying to be a role model for others, leading and teaching and trying to live this Kingdom life it can all sometimes become really hard work...it's really pants sometimes. Or is it just me? 

I said I was going to write up the notes from that SS seminar and I will - just not tonight, cos I'm tired. Instead, I'll leave you with some of my favourite pics from the weekend just gone, at home in Surrey with my family, having fun and being silly. I feel more rested from those 5 days than I have done all summer if I'm honest, but it didn't last long :-(

1st September - where did that come from??

A return to normality begins today as we return from Greenbelt (hubby) and parents into a half day of prep for school, work and nursery all beginning in earnest tomorrow.

It's been a great summer all in all - highlights include Falcon Camp fun, Soul Survivor B and being squashed, party hats, hen do, U2 360 tour, some great food and friends to share it with.

There have been some hard parts too - I'm still struggling with a remnant of a chest infection and don't feel particularly ready for the days ahead with work. Other issues, mainly involving our thinking and strategising about the priorities we live by and how we live more of a kingdom life not a life dictated by culture are a little harder to summarise here...but all linking back to my blog on Anglican identity, what it means to be church, how to live out the call placed on us by God and what we 'need' to do that...

So, there are decisions and changes in the offing in Smith world - not too much detail allowed here at present but your prayers are appreciated if you're that way inclined.

Will get back to Monday updates next week and hope that your return to the world of September is swift, flowing and not too traumatic!

An Anglican at odds with herself...

It's been some time since I've been so prolific on this blog...but this is a post that has probably been brewing since our visit to Tennessee last summer...so I'm writing what I feel. This by no means represents the views of my Diocese or Episcopal Area or my current church; it's just a way to make sense of my history and my future and where I sit in the crazy world of the Anglican Communion and the Body of Christ.

(warning, a bit long winded, but bear with me!) make a cuppa and pull up a chair!

I am a Christian to the core but an Anglican as my history and my path thus far. I became a Christian at the age of 15, being part of a local (5 minutes walk) church which just happened to be Anglican (Church of England). Youth workers there discipled me, taught me the faith, helped me process, journeyed with me. Friends there remain - many Facebook friends, others I see more regularly, one is now a spiritual director of sorts. As far as I was concerned, this was church...I didn't really know there was any other 'type'. It was only when I embarked on my year out that the denomination issue really came home to me. But I was pretty certain of my faith, what I believed and my relationship with my Saviour and I enjoyed getting to know new 'reformed' ways!

At Uni I spent time at a Black Pentecostal Church and at an ex-Brethren Christian fellowship church and really began to understand the variety and beauty of the ways in which church happens and what it means for different people. I loved the fact that I had a choice, but I also knew in my own mind that there were clear issues around which I had strong opinions. The place of women in the church always troubled me...both my Uni churches didn't encourage women to speak apart from in offering 'testimony'. I grappled with this instinctive rebellion alongside what Scripture says, particularly in Paul's writings.

When I moved to my first Parish youthworker post, I don't remember particularly taking much notice of the theological standpoint of the church I was applying to when I filled in the form. In the Sunday morning service during the interview weekend, I knew I was at home. I resonated in my soul and my spirit with the 'form' of the worship. Yes it followed a familiar Anglican pattern, but it was FAMILY. People spoke the words to each other and administered Eucharist in a profondly moving way. It all brought me screeching through the previous 4 years of my life and squarely back to this Anglican heritage that I hadn't really realised was so embedded within me.

This 'Anglican legacy' that I live with is a comforting knowledge but it hasn't been a bind. I've been in 2 non-denominational churches since then, as well as an Anglican Church...I'm in relationship with Jesus, that makes me a Christian first and an Anglican somewhere down the line in terms of how I define myself.

HOWEVER, that doesn't make me unreactive to all that is and has been happening with the worldwide Anglican Communion. I am not really someone who is interested in the detailed discussion, motions, votes, although I do follow a few choice blogs that keep me updated (mainly Dave Walker on Church Times blog).

Our visit to Tennessee last year, to a church in the Anglican Mission in the Americas (AMiA) was a profound experience, in which we had to acknowledge the distinct and seemingly irrepairable differences that had come about leading up to and directly after Gene Robinson's election as Bishop. Just recently the founding of the Anglican Church in North America (ACNA) seemed to be, to me anyway, an incredible shoot of collective possibility, as factions, denominations and church traditions met together in the forming of a new province which focused on mission and extending the kingdom to those who DON'T YET KNOW.

This is the rub: the Church of England is too focused on maintaining what it has and keeping the people in the pews happy. (I speak my own opinion here but I travel a wide area and talk to a lot of people so I am making a considered generalisation). Mission, Kingdom, talking about Jesus and making disciples is RARELY the top of the agenda. Running programmes, thinking about Alpha, doing a fun day, etc. are all important but not at the expense of the fundamental call of Jesus - to go, preach the kingdom, heal the sick, share people's lives, Acts 2 living. People in this country are frightened to leave their churches...and the Church of England has made people believe that there is a threat to the existence of the church from those who are already within it - women and homosexuals.

This is utterly crazy talk. The fundamental basis of the Christian faith is that through Jesus, who broke himself open for us, we can find wholeness in our brokeness. The foundation of the Eucharist (read more about this thinking in Rob Bell's book Jesus wants to save Christians) is a broken body and spilled blood. A sacrifice made once and for all - FOR ALL. 

(some great stuff on this blog reflecting on this teaching)

Frankly, my opinion of the Anglican Communion at present, and to be honest, other churches that I know well and not part of this 'worldwide family', is that 'it' (the church) is not prepared to sacrifice itself for anyone else. It's investment focus is on keeping the status-quo and if there was anything further from Jesus mind, it was the status quo. 

But I am filled with a strange hope when I read about the formation of the ACNA and it's attempts to restart...the AMia could have stuck to it's guns, stayed seperate and not risked further collaborations, since it is already doing well by itself. But this sacrifice gives me strange hope and it's something I want to keep an eye on. 

On the flipside I am frustrated that, just by writing this, I am running the risk of being categorised as a conservative evangelical...yes I am, but no I'm not. Why is it that we have to categorise ourselves in our doctrine and worship styles?? As I outlined above, I've done a bit of everything and ultimately, I'm still in the same place I am. I'm comfortable in the sense that I trust God to work these things out...but regardless of 'theological standing' I am not seeing many churches that are working out the Acts 2 principle in a way which is authentic without becomign ghetto-ized.

My mind is so all over the place with this, so please forgive the random junctures. 

Preaching: who is it for?? Is it so we can be confirmed in what we think and go away feeling happy that we have it right...or is it meant to be about starting a discussion, bringing questions, grappling them together and then taking then OUT THERE...?

Worship through singing: is not a performance and is not the way we should grade a church. Excellent worship is not about it being tight or beautifully sung or contemporary or traditional. Surely it is about HOW it enables each and every person to draw near to God? The Bible clearly states that when one or two are gathered together in His name, Jesus is there. Do we need to invite him in? Does the quality of the worship affect my relationship with God? It shouldn't...but it does. How have we allowed this to be the norm...cos it is in my life and the circles I move in. Should we say to the person who leads our singing (whether organist, guitarist or vocalist) 'that was great this morning' or 'I didn't like it'...I hear those comments every week...not sure that's the right place to be?

Sundays/Church: I'm having major issues with church right now...passionately believing in it and yet finding that nothing is peaceful within it. Now I could be falling into the same trap as I outlined above and probably I am to some extent, replying on feelings...I don't enjoy or feel content or challenged at church right now (not just my own but everywhere). I feel disatisfied...More than anything, I want to be reconciled with myself and the fact that I feel ultimately Anglican at my heart and my heritage, but I am not comfortable in the core of any church structure. Some of the meetings I was in this week frustrated me to a point of jacking it all in...maintenance and buildings and keeping the bare minimum rather than saying what is working and how can we develop and encourage and resource it? Going to a non-denominational seemed to give me (us) the freedom to explore and be questioning and be on the margins without anyone thinking that was odd...but we have slowly been sucked in. Maintenance is still a prime focus and while there has to be some stability, the same old concerns come throough for me and attendance and membership and being categorised are the things that identify you. I don't think I want to be so pinned down anymore. Sunday after Sunday we rush around, packing cars, picking up instruments, setting up, setting down, teaching, singing, talking, eating and drinking and then we go home and get set up for the evening activities for the same people...something is wrong. 

Something is wrong because we are so busy on a Sunday and a Thursday and a Tuesday with church stuff that we don't stop to talk to our neighbour who is doing gardening out the front or the family opposite who arrive home the same time as us. We lose half a day of Sunday, which should be a day which focuses on God and we spend that half day setting up a service when we could be out there meeting people where the actually are, which isn't in our building.

Finally...some key thoughts from the blog post I linked to above....with my own italics added:

A church is invited to be a Eucharist to its community - broken and poured out...

Luke 22:18 - "Do this in remembrance of me."

What if Jesus was using this in a broader sense of saying, "Do this (what you see ME DOING) in remembrance of me?"  ...an invitation to be a living eucharist for the world we live in.

Too often, we try to reproduce another church's Eucharist without being broken or poured out.  The reason it worked there in the first place was because SOMEONE poured out.  So we need to ask the question: What does it mean for me to be a Eucharist to these people (in our communities/culture) here and now?

If our church was removed from our community, who would protest?

What does it mean to be a "good gift" to our community? 

There is always a cost...  If Eucharist is "pouring out" you must allow time to pour back in.

Where are you in the Eucharist rhythm?

I've been writing this piece a while now and it should probably get published. Regular readers, my friends and soul mates, those who we've journeyed with me and Andy before will recognise this restlessness from times before - sorry!!...be assured that it's the same questions we've always had, just seen through the telescope of world affairs in the Anglican Communion and our current context. We've grown up a lot, especially since having M and we don't do the spontaneous, quick decision making anymore, can't and shouldn't. And we certainly want to do our thinking and wondering with you as we take stock a bit...so however long we've known you, or even if not at all and your a stranger in person but a friend of the blog, talk to us in the comments - recommend books to read or things to consider, tell us your journeys...

Thanks for your time...for getting this far at least! Having finished your cuppa (as instructed at the top) have a nap now!

I will ;-)

downhearted and uplifted

I don't normally post before I have even got dressed of a morning, but this is all a bit burdening, so I'll get it off my chest.

It was a slightly depressing day yesterday - lots of talk about how we might positively and purposefully end things - employment, projects etc. It's a sad place to be when things that you have worked long and hard for just don't work out how you might have hoped. My support group meeting yesterday lunchtime was a welcome space for me to talk through and process some of these very raw feelings, but it still felt quite pants overall! I really struggled with overwhelming feelings of cynicism, negativity and sadness yesterday afternoon, whilst attempting to gather myself together for my evening engagement. Some tought decisions have to be made and while I want to make those with wisdom, there is also a danger of taking too long to come to a point of 'ok, this is what is happening'...procrastinating is the way of the church but it can add to the feelings of destruction and pain so I want to minimise that...pray for me!

On the flip side, I had the most wonderful evening in the company of 10 people incl the Vicar from St David's Church, Eastwood, for whom I was delivering training for the launch of their new Tweenagers group in September. We took some time to think about adolescent faith development and dealing with challenging behaviour as well as considering the practical issues about setting up the group (ratios, health and safety, outline sessions). This has been a well thought through, prayerfully considered and diligently executed new project which has some good funding behind it and the support of the church. The enthusiasm, excitement and commitment in the room was so encouraging and humbling and I am looking forward to my visit to the new group in October...

So thank you St David's for reminding me of why I do what I do, for making it simply and clearly apparent that this is the kingdom work for which we are all called - reaching out to young people, enabling them to explore who they are and what the Christian faith might mean for them and providing space for meaningful continuous relationships to be built for the future.

Must get dressed now!! x

what's new??

Silence has descended here on funky doo for a wee while because - well, I haven't felt too funky!!

2 weeks ago tomorrow, I managed to injure my back and have been struggling with mobility, pain and general frustration ever since. Without going into all the horrendous details, the main trigger was just pure and simple parenting...putting M into her buggy at the park, twisting and bending at the same time to sling her shoes into the basket at the bottom and.....owwww!

I laid out for a couple of days, had the doctor over when it wouldn't go away, got some Valium (which was nice and soothing!) and thought it would all go away in a couple of days....ha ha ha ha!

I just got back driving today, 13 days later. I have had to cancel a lot of work commitments because I couldn't get there or even if I could, I wouldn't have been able to set up/speak/present/stand to do what I had to do...I never cancel, well not for something like this where I am perfectly well apart from being unable to get up or sit down!

In my time at home, I have been trying to do useful things, which aren't the usual every day things like hoovering and dishwasher-undoing!! That was impossible...but I have been making a claim for my stolen bag a few weeks ago now, getting ahead on some Falcon Camp preparation, lots of admin although haven't tackled the filing tray as that would involve bending! I did get to the Bradwell Pilgrimage on Saturday (Independence Day!) which I was pleased about as I have spent the last year on the planning committee, doing the website and publicity and was coordinating the Youth Zone on the day. In the end, it was more low key than I had imagined but that was probably good for me and everyone else, as it pretty much ran itself and I could observe and heckle from the sidelines!! I was so grateful for Stuart from Bar n Bus Trust and Jamie from Legacy Rayleigh who brought along their equipment and to the brilliant youth workers and volunteers who served that day in the blazing heat!! Phil, Dave, Lucy, Donna, Megan, Shaun, Lewis, Lee and John...thanks a million!!

This week has been slightly better as I have improved each day. Tuesday was a bit of a '2 steps forward, 1 step back' as I woke up in a lot more pain having overdone it on Monday. Tuesday I had to cancel everything in my diary and felt very yucky, upping the painkillers again and feeling generally 'hemmed in' from lack of interaction and activity outside the house. Yesterday, Wednesday, I went out to Suffolk (with AP as my chauffeur!) to the Eastern Region of Diocesan Youth Officer's meeting and lunch, which was very nice. I didn't feel too uncomfortable sitting in the car or at the table so that was an achievement and it was good to catch up with everyone and ease myself back in a little. A wide ranging conversation at Elveden Estate (yummy Chicken Ceaser Salad!) included issues around participation, the new Youth and Children's National Strategy, the Church of England Youth Council and a round up of what is going on in each Diocese and a chance to pray for one another.

So today, I finally feel almost pain free, just needing a couple of Nurofen at lunch time. I feel blessed in many ways to have been forced to slow down. God has his ways of making us hear him when all we seem to be doing is just 'getting on with it'. (Those Kairos moments - LifeShapes Circle! I'm learning!) I hadn't really stopped since half term and looking back at my diary, I had only had 1 weekend off since February, apart from the weekends we were travelling to our holiday. I was initially so frustrated that a weekend off had turned into a weekend of pain and being stuck in bed, but once I accepted it, I have enjoyed some solitude and silence, time on my own which I am not always good at, a chance to read and particularly to continue my reflections on my time in Sheffield, on the LifeShapes and The Order of Mission (TOM). I have been writing some posts on all this and keep thinking they are about ready to publish, but they are not quite!! Watch this space.

Other highlights of the last few weeks have been Andy's cooking of which there has been a lot more (lovely fresh stir fry's and flavoursome marinated meats!!), speaking to lovely Emily King on the phone in Tennessee (who also directed me to this website). We miss them both heaps and hope to see them again in 2011 sometime...that's the plan! Also a very funny night with our Giraffe group on Sunday involving cometitive Jenga competitions and a domino rally too!

As well as that, Hubby and I have had more time to talk, we haven't had to schedule 'money evenings' or date nights as normal because I've been here more and that has been really nice. We will be making sure that when we're at Soul Survivor B in a few weeks time that we are disciplined about having our mornings together when M is at her kids group...praying, talking, chatting over a cuppa and going to teaching. We have a lot to process at the mo - not just the TOM stuff but also planning ahead for youth in the autumn term and dreaming and scheming!

So, I'll sign off for now and go and get my daughter from her childminder - a small thing, but I haven't done that for nearly 3 weeks and it's such a precious thing...seeing her excitement at telling me what she has done at Kiko's and talking and singing on the way home.

Have a great evening! xx