funky doo

funky doo family

We've decided to start a 'family blog' over at www.funkydoofamily.blogspot.com to try and seperate out the personal from the other stuff...so expect to see more pictures, M's artwork, funny stories and some of our family, friends and other randoms mentioned - see if you can see yourself??!!

Also, as we embark on an interesting and slightly scary journey in the coming months and years, having this joint blog will allow Andy to do some writing and thinking of his own in the blogosphere.

So come join us and see what you reckon...comments as always most welcome!!

simplicity and uncertainty

 A new Monday morning dawns and I seem to have fallen into a pattern of Mondays being an office/admin day. (well, it's worked the last few weeks, but a quick look at the diary shows it's the last for a while!) It works quite well as I get ahead of myself and the rest of the week seems to pan out better, notwithstanding the unexpected stuff of life with a toddler and in youth ministry!

I'm especially appreciating the space today as I get back to the nitty gritty after quite a grotty weekend.

Recent posts make no bones of the fact that, as a family and as individuals within that, we are in a bit of a state of flux. The history of all that goes back a long long way...around the time that Andy and I first met and he had returned to faith. Questions about our role in church leadership and which of us might be called to priesthood, ordination, church planting etc etc have always been around. They would at various times return to our present thinking for us to question and then would return to the back of our minds.

Our move down to Essex in 2006 was a response to a heightened sense that God was doing something new and different at that time - He certainly was as M came along pretty smartish after that! Her arrival and the move and the newness of jobs, church and location have all allowed us more space to say 'what now?'

In recent years, our understanding of our calling, as individuals and as a family has been in a certain language - church leadership, youth ministry, leadership development, mentoring....and along with our visit to the States in 2008 and my time at Pilgrimage and being immersed in LifeShapes stuff and The Order of Mission, we have had a lot to think about and process.

I'm always a bit sceptical when things that seem painful have a happy ending - they always seem to in other people! However, I can testify that out of the pain of my back injury in June, something became very clear. We were enjoying a weekend as a family as I was off work and we went for a (slow!) walk one Saturday before coming home for M to nap. During the nap time, I was leafing through youthwork magazine and was struck by a job vacancy which leapt out of the page at me...

The conversation that ensued involved us realising that we somehow needed to make space for Andy to explore the possibilities of ordination and the priesthood, specifically within the Anglican Church. He was first told/asked to consider that journey when he was 19 and at Oasis Youth Ministry in Manchester. It's been asked again more recently and become a more regular conversation (with others, rather than amongst the two of us) and we've always greeted it with a hmmm...But this was a realisation in both of us and this particular job provided a possible route, giving space as well as a return to an Anglican Church to gain immersion in that culture and the structural support that would be required.

With all that zooming round our heads, and the closing date for the job not until mid September, we plunged into our busy summer and talked about everything that was happening during car journeys and whilst trying to sleep at Soul Survivor! We put a number of fleeces out - and through those, God made it clear to apply for the job. Despite this, at one point I told Andy I couldn't go ahead, I loved my job too much and we needed to take things slower...but he and others rightly reminded me that the job had leapt out at us for a reason, and we needed to allow due process to happen. So I did apply, with some trepidation and reluctance but a huge amount of excitement and a sense of the possibilities opening up to us.

I've never been in that position - applying for a job when I didn't need a job or from having a job that I loved. It was a strange experience. My current job is one which has moulded around me, where I have found a niche and I see that God is using me to be effective in the local church. Although hugely challenging a lot of the time, it resonates with so much of where I know God wants to use me. As a family it works for us, it fulfills my need for people contact (although not always enough face to face youth work sometimes!)but I also have to be very self disciplined in how I work and managing my time effectively and spiritually.

I spent a long time over the application. By the end of it, I was fed up with the 'selling of myself' that such a process requires and I was glad to be done with it! Most of the time, I felt totally crippled with self doubt, could I do this if I got it, how would I cope with a job with such responsibility and the pressure of what the job might allow Andy to do as a result did feel like a big weight. Overall, it was all a hugely painful process - the thought of the implications of moving again (it is not a local job), the upheaval that would cause, the starting over (I had a stupid dream about there not being any hairdressers in the new place and my barnet getting out of control!!) and there were people that we wanted to make aware of this possible next move and whom we have hurt just in the telling. Despite the excitement and what this opportunity might all bring, we felt pretty crap.

And so we waited....and on Saturday, I got a letter to say that I hadn't been shortlisted.

Andy was in Brighton on the bike ride...so I stewed and ranted and cried a bit by myself. I talked to a few people...the general response was confusion, sympathy, surprise and sadness with a big fat dose of relief...one lovely person told me I'd always be top of their shortlist! A part of me was glad that I didn't get shortlisted - the door has been firmly closed and locked and there is no wondering about 'could I have done better' as there might have been with an interview.

And today, I sit here in my office, sorting out the mundane and pushing paper around, doing some emails and prep for training and I wonder...what is God doing? He's doing something, that's for sure and I'm running into that, cos He is my strong tower and my hiding place.

This is what we know: we know Andy is called to the priesthood, but we don't know how or in what 'way'. We know we want to respond to God's call, for Andy specifically at this time but for our family overall. We know for that to take place, we need to be back in an Anglican Church to allow that process to happen. We know we need to honour the process of selection that is required and we want to do that well while exiting and leaving behind other things in a godly and sensitive way. We know God has it in hand and we know He loves us. We know that this has been His call on Andy's life since he was 19. And we know God has never let us down and won't this time.

These are the simple facts - we share with you what we know...and we wait for God to make the next step clear. It's OK, because He is in control. I have no idea whether applying for THAT job was the wrong decision or whether we just needed to go through that process to make the priesthood path clearer. Who knows...but I'm glad we're not going anywhere for a while!

Andy's is the pink bum ;-)

 

I'm done already...

OK, so I'm done with the week...it's been a bit of a shock to the system to return to full pelt life in all it's fullness...only 4th September too, hey ho.

No-one's fault, just a combination of a busy few weeks leading up to the end of August - we didn't really stop between leaving for Soul Survivor on 12th August and getting back from my parents this Tuesday - and September biting me hard on the arse (sorry, hiney for US readers!!) I felt as though I had done quite a lot of prep work and getting ahead during the summer but there were some things still outstanding which I haven't done and that has probable clouded my overall sense of being 'in control'!!

We just got back into decent eating routine on Wednesday - for us, that is having our menu for the week planned out so whoever gets in first can start on dinner and we can see if we're missing anything and need to shop. It makes all the difference to our sense of well being and our budget but it's been hard to do when we've only been here a night or two and then away again. Despite having only 1 evening of work out of the house this week, I feel whacked but have had some early nights to no avail...The weekend beckons and I'm grateful, hoping to be a bit more motivated and with it by Monday.

One thing which I'm hoping might help overall is that we employed a cleaner today - which is something I feel hugely excited about but also monumentally guilty too...but I have to be less hard on myself in this respect. This is our reality - I work full time (plus a bit more), Andy works full time, we have a toddler. Andy Street Pastors, we run the youth at our church, we have family who lives miles away and we have tons of visitors which is what we love as well as a number of other responsibilities and ultimately things to keep this household running are not getting done. Those of you who know us well and have visited our home will know we do not live in squalor; we don't leave the washing up undone (often), we don't (often) have piles of washing all over the landing....generally we keep on top of it all, but that's about it! So, my lovely new cleaner lady Christine is going to take care of the deep clean stuff, like the big bathroom clean, mopping floors and moving furniture to hoover under it - stuff I NEVER do!

I get annoyed at myself for feeling guilty about employing a cleaner, cos I know it doesn't make me a failure- so I went back to the notes I wrote at Soul Survivor at the Women in Leadership seminar. I think sometimes, being a Christian woman can be a very hard place because you have huge expectations of yourself anyway and then there are even more from those 'watching you'. My response to the question "how do you do it?" (i.e. have a full time job, care for M, run a house, maintaining relationships, trying not to get fatter, smiling and being nice and compassionate and forgiving to people!) is to try and brush it off as a silly question "Oh you know, you do what you have to do"...when really I am knackered and feel frustrated and disappointed in myself and don't feel like I do any of it well. When I am also a woman in leadership, working for the Anglican Church, trying to be a role model for others, leading and teaching and trying to live this Kingdom life it can all sometimes become really hard work...it's really pants sometimes. Or is it just me? 

I said I was going to write up the notes from that SS seminar and I will - just not tonight, cos I'm tired. Instead, I'll leave you with some of my favourite pics from the weekend just gone, at home in Surrey with my family, having fun and being silly. I feel more rested from those 5 days than I have done all summer if I'm honest, but it didn't last long :-(

1st September - where did that come from??

A return to normality begins today as we return from Greenbelt (hubby) and parents into a half day of prep for school, work and nursery all beginning in earnest tomorrow.

It's been a great summer all in all - highlights include Falcon Camp fun, Soul Survivor B and being squashed, party hats, hen do, U2 360 tour, some great food and friends to share it with.

There have been some hard parts too - I'm still struggling with a remnant of a chest infection and don't feel particularly ready for the days ahead with work. Other issues, mainly involving our thinking and strategising about the priorities we live by and how we live more of a kingdom life not a life dictated by culture are a little harder to summarise here...but all linking back to my blog on Anglican identity, what it means to be church, how to live out the call placed on us by God and what we 'need' to do that...

So, there are decisions and changes in the offing in Smith world - not too much detail allowed here at present but your prayers are appreciated if you're that way inclined.

Will get back to Monday updates next week and hope that your return to the world of September is swift, flowing and not too traumatic!

catch up Friday

Hey y'all,

A couple of people have mentioned that my Monday updates are lacking of late - sorry but I've been busy! Namely Falcon Camp which finished last Thursday and then recovery...followed by back to work in a house which is most definitely in summer hols mode - no mean feat! So I have been trying to be disciplined and just do work in the office and not other 'non-work but not quite fun tasks' and then go and have fun with my family!

Falcon Camp went really well - great weather, brilliant team, amazing kids and an amazing God at work. We're grateful and blessed to be part of such a thing and although it is a lot of organising and stress at the final furlong, it's something we know we'll be doing for a long time...

We missed our M a lot - and it was great when she returned from my parents in Surrey on Friday afternoon. Fun in the park and a dinner out to Intimo, our favourite pasta restaurant followed and we also had a chilled rest day on Saturday, catching up on some chores and sorting and resorting the Falcon Camp equipment that was all in our garage.

I've worked all this week as normal - a few meetings here and there, getting lots of filing and project work done in this quiet season for me. All the while, the other 2 have been having a ton of fun, going to Ikea, the Zoo in Colchester and playdates in Prom Park...we did have a famil day in London on Wednesday, visiting Andy's best man Richard, his wife Natasha and their new addition (no 2), Albie. Their daughter Eliza is 6 months younger than M, so we had the expected mix of great play and screeching rows about sharing etc! But it was lovely to see them and a great adventure for M, as we left their place at 10.15pm and got on 2 trains in the dark!!

I was really blessed to get a cheque through the post this week to go towards replacing some of the clothes I had stolen from the train the other month. My insurance claim was declined on the grounds that I didn't have 3 nights pre-booked accomodation in Sheffield. The fact that I wasn't claiming anything to do with my accommodation seems to be irrelevant and I can prove I was in Sheffield for that period by my train tickets - but never mind. I have been living with just 2 bras and 1 pair of jeans, so a little money to replace those well worn basics is very timely!

So, to take us up to Monday when I hope to get back on track with the monday updates - we're at a wedding tomorrow in Buckhurst Hill, and my sister is coming to have M for the afternoon. Sunday will be church and then a BBQ in the evening for all those we're taking to Soul Survivor next Wednesday. Really looking forward to the space to be - and in a caravan!! Luxury!

So, see you Monday - all being well!

what's new??

Silence has descended here on funky doo for a wee while because - well, I haven't felt too funky!!

2 weeks ago tomorrow, I managed to injure my back and have been struggling with mobility, pain and general frustration ever since. Without going into all the horrendous details, the main trigger was just pure and simple parenting...putting M into her buggy at the park, twisting and bending at the same time to sling her shoes into the basket at the bottom and.....owwww!

I laid out for a couple of days, had the doctor over when it wouldn't go away, got some Valium (which was nice and soothing!) and thought it would all go away in a couple of days....ha ha ha ha!

I just got back driving today, 13 days later. I have had to cancel a lot of work commitments because I couldn't get there or even if I could, I wouldn't have been able to set up/speak/present/stand to do what I had to do...I never cancel, well not for something like this where I am perfectly well apart from being unable to get up or sit down!

In my time at home, I have been trying to do useful things, which aren't the usual every day things like hoovering and dishwasher-undoing!! That was impossible...but I have been making a claim for my stolen bag a few weeks ago now, getting ahead on some Falcon Camp preparation, lots of admin although haven't tackled the filing tray as that would involve bending! I did get to the Bradwell Pilgrimage on Saturday (Independence Day!) which I was pleased about as I have spent the last year on the planning committee, doing the website and publicity and was coordinating the Youth Zone on the day. In the end, it was more low key than I had imagined but that was probably good for me and everyone else, as it pretty much ran itself and I could observe and heckle from the sidelines!! I was so grateful for Stuart from Bar n Bus Trust and Jamie from Legacy Rayleigh who brought along their equipment and to the brilliant youth workers and volunteers who served that day in the blazing heat!! Phil, Dave, Lucy, Donna, Megan, Shaun, Lewis, Lee and John...thanks a million!!

This week has been slightly better as I have improved each day. Tuesday was a bit of a '2 steps forward, 1 step back' as I woke up in a lot more pain having overdone it on Monday. Tuesday I had to cancel everything in my diary and felt very yucky, upping the painkillers again and feeling generally 'hemmed in' from lack of interaction and activity outside the house. Yesterday, Wednesday, I went out to Suffolk (with AP as my chauffeur!) to the Eastern Region of Diocesan Youth Officer's meeting and lunch, which was very nice. I didn't feel too uncomfortable sitting in the car or at the table so that was an achievement and it was good to catch up with everyone and ease myself back in a little. A wide ranging conversation at Elveden Estate (yummy Chicken Ceaser Salad!) included issues around participation, the new Youth and Children's National Strategy, the Church of England Youth Council and a round up of what is going on in each Diocese and a chance to pray for one another.

So today, I finally feel almost pain free, just needing a couple of Nurofen at lunch time. I feel blessed in many ways to have been forced to slow down. God has his ways of making us hear him when all we seem to be doing is just 'getting on with it'. (Those Kairos moments - LifeShapes Circle! I'm learning!) I hadn't really stopped since half term and looking back at my diary, I had only had 1 weekend off since February, apart from the weekends we were travelling to our holiday. I was initially so frustrated that a weekend off had turned into a weekend of pain and being stuck in bed, but once I accepted it, I have enjoyed some solitude and silence, time on my own which I am not always good at, a chance to read and particularly to continue my reflections on my time in Sheffield, on the LifeShapes and The Order of Mission (TOM). I have been writing some posts on all this and keep thinking they are about ready to publish, but they are not quite!! Watch this space.

Other highlights of the last few weeks have been Andy's cooking of which there has been a lot more (lovely fresh stir fry's and flavoursome marinated meats!!), speaking to lovely Emily King on the phone in Tennessee (who also directed me to this website). We miss them both heaps and hope to see them again in 2011 sometime...that's the plan! Also a very funny night with our Giraffe group on Sunday involving cometitive Jenga competitions and a domino rally too!

As well as that, Hubby and I have had more time to talk, we haven't had to schedule 'money evenings' or date nights as normal because I've been here more and that has been really nice. We will be making sure that when we're at Soul Survivor B in a few weeks time that we are disciplined about having our mornings together when M is at her kids group...praying, talking, chatting over a cuppa and going to teaching. We have a lot to process at the mo - not just the TOM stuff but also planning ahead for youth in the autumn term and dreaming and scheming!

So, I'll sign off for now and go and get my daughter from her childminder - a small thing, but I haven't done that for nearly 3 weeks and it's such a precious thing...seeing her excitement at telling me what she has done at Kiko's and talking and singing on the way home.

Have a great evening! xx

a 2 day late update...

the weekend that was: this weekend rates as one of the top of the year so far...partly cos it was a low key birthday weekend, but also cos we got to spend time with my little sister and her husband. We had a chilled out Friday night, doing household chores, sorting their bedroom out so the bed could be seen! On Saturday Andy took M swimming which she loved and I pottered in the kitchen, doing some baking and food prep for Saturday night dinner as well as some ironing and other chores (never ending!)

E&O arrived Saturday afternoon and we chilled in the garden, catching up on E's recent trip to NYC and obviously talking a bit about Bompa and the funeral etc. Matilda really loves identifying all her family and contanstly checks on names "where Ellie Ollie?" and wants to make sure she's got relationships right "Ellie your sister?", "Ollie is my uncle". Her accent and way of pronoucning words at the moment is so cute and we keep trying to affirm everything she is saying whilst desperately trying not to giggle!

Saturday night we had a chilled and late dinner - it was suddenly 9pm and we hadn't sat down to our main course...but there was no rush and while I cooked the pud, the boys played a random game with our '1001 films to see before you die' book and updating their LoveFilm lists based on the randomly generated choices. Andy seems to now have a collection of 1950's Japanese films to watch, which should be interesting!! Ollie got Gentleman Prefer Blondes, which if you know my sister, he probably does!!

Sunday morning Andy and M and I went off to church. Ollie was feeling a bit poorly, snuffly and blocked up so they chilled at home and then met us at the Deli after church. Sausage sandwiches for lunch at home and then the boys plus our friend Lewis headed off to watch the Newcastle United match while Ellie and I cleared out my wardrobe, getting rid of at least 1/3 of it's content and tidying up the rest of it, in preparation for the big bedroom project starting the next day. Sunday night we all went out for a lovely Italian meal at Intimo on Maldon High Street before Andy disappeared to lead Giraffe.

So, we got up on Monday and faffed about a bit and then once M was down for her nap, we started ripping out the wardrobes in our bedroom!! 3 hours later and they were in pieces in the garage, ready for a local Freecycler to pick up yesterday and we were all packed into the spare room. Andy is starting on the preparation of the master this weekend, sanding and stuff and then we'll get painting! Very exciting!

Ellie and Ollie went home on Monday afternoon, both exhausted I think from all the DIY effort and lugging about! We're very grateful to them for their help. We've really enjoyed spending so much time with them the last few weekend and wish we lived even closer, but then you appreciate the time you have with people even more when you don't see them as often as you'd like.

where i am at the moment: in my office, focusing on working, obviously!

on my to-do list this week: I have a slightly unusual week. My grandpa's funeral on Friday means I need to be super organised about preparation for training this weekend. Hence today, my 31st birthday, I'm working on session 10 and 12 of Equipping to be delivered this Saturday and will be going through it in finer detail this afternoon with Rachel, who is joining me on Saturday to ease the load. It's great having 3 advisers in the team!! Other than that, I'm going to enjoy my birthday evening with Matilda when she gets home (we're having a picnic) and my birthday meal later on, maybe a glass of wine too?!

I have an Asheldham Centre meeting tomorrow night to continue discussions about our vision and how to develop capacity for the Centre, so hope that's productive.

By Sunday, I think I will be tired.

procrastinating about: writing this blog post and getting down to some proper work!

book i’m in the midst of: Weight of Water by Anita Shreve. It's great.

music that seemed to catch my attention this past week: Martyn Joseph did a fantastic version of Free Fallin, in the style of John Mayer at the gig the other week. So I'm getting into John Mayer a bit and enjoying the chilled vibe and the quirky voice he has. Also rediscovered my Billy Joel album during a clear out, Piano Man, which funnily enough, MJ has also covered...

next trip: well, off to Surrey for the day on Friday, not far but an important trip. After that, I'll be away at the annual Diocesan Youth Officers Conference in Wakefield from 19-21 May and then we go on holiday on 23rd May for a week!! Can't wait, but half term has come round awfully fast!!

stuff I'm into on TV/films right now: The Apprentice obviously! We also got Horton Hears a Who from LoveFilm in the week which we're thinking of using during Falcon Camp this year. My friend Christine bought me Gok Wan's biography for my birthday today, I love his Fashion Fix show!! If only I could have a 24 piece capsule wardrobe...

Youth work done/upcoming: I'm leading the Giraffe session this coming Sunday for our church 15+ group on Kingdom, part of a series for this term we're taking from Scripture Union Substance material. I'm also in the midst of preparations for the 2 TentEvents coming up in June at Bishop Laurie's for youth leaders and young people. Further details on www.chelmsford.anglican.org/youth and then look under events.

What did you eat this weekend?? I made a gorgeous Clementine Drizzle Cake with marscapone and white chocolate icing - almost gluten free as it uses a lot of ground almonds and rice flour. Also made baked chocolate puddings with rice flour which we had after our main course of Slow cooked lamb with white beans and garlic. Our starter was a camembert cheese baked in it's box with herbs scattered over when it came out all melted and some garlic pitta chips (home baked) to go with it.

stunned silence and veggie heaven!

I've felt a bit blank the last few weeks, hence the silence from the funky doo camp. It's been a weird few weeks and since Bompa died, I feel like I've been on permanent catch up, only just getting on top of piles of paper and lists of 'to do' this morning, supposedly my day off....

However, this weekend has lots of space and time to chill in it which I'm looking forward to. I'll save the details of what we're doing for my Monday update!!

Last week was busy and hectic, but restful too. Had the Sophia Network Regional Gathering in Walthamstow on Monday which was successful in many ways, despite small numbers. People dropped like flies on Monday morning, so there were only 8 of us to eat but it was good morning none the less. My friend Ondine had done some fantastic, healthy, tasty food for us which we tucked into after a Bible Study on the Emmaus Road led by Rachel Heathfield and some worship led by Jenny Baker. Thanks to those who came and supported and look forward to the next Regional Day on 27th June in Benfleet for female youth workers and their mentees/upcoming female leaders.

Martyn Joseph last weekend was awesome, really enjoyed introducing my sister and her husband to music I have loved for so long. He did lots of stateside songs, influenced by his time at the many and huge folk festivals over there. He also tried out some new material on us, which was excellent so we're excited about the new album whever it happens.

I've spent quite a lot of the week at the desk or computer doing training planning for next weekend and the week after, and while doing that have been investigating back up options online. We had an external hard drive which held all our music and to cut a long story short, this is no longer in existence... :-( So, we've been re-uploading all our CD's and getting back on track and trying to source and different back up system. We've fallen on MP3 tunes who have Locker Sync which scans your computer for music and adds it to an online locker. It's pretty good but a bit tricky if you have as much music as we have so we're just waiting for them to upgrade our account to hold more GB's. We're using StoreGate for our documents and photos.

Anyone got better options or simpler systems?? Your ideas gratefully received, despite my blogging ability I'm not really very computer savvy!!

Finally for tonight, our new veggie patch is coming along very nicely. We don't have a big garden, but we only have a toddler so we've sacrificed some lawn for a 3m by 1.5m veggie patch which Andy is enjoying 'doing up'. He's fenced it off tonight and mixed in some of our lovely home made compost and we are growing various bits and pieces in the conservatory from seedlings that my Dad provided. I'll take some photos soon and post them up!

Clive William Watt

My Bompa (Grandpa) died on Friday afternoon, peacefully at Cedar Court Care Home. He had Alzheimers and had been in a home for nearly 2 years.

When I went into Bompa's study at Trees, the home he shared with Daggy (Granny) until 2 years ago, a lot of memories came flooding back and so I'm writing them here while they are fresh in my mind.

I remember the smell of his pipe, that musky, sweet smell which he always apologised for but which became the scent I associate with him. I remember him playing me classical LP's in the study, telling me lots of facts and figures about when he had heard this particular piece played. I remember him always insisting we asked to get down from the table after a meal, but when we said "please can I leave the table" he always replied "well, where are you going to leave it?"

I remember his huge, great bear hugs...it would push the breath out of you and he would rub my back furiously...for a slight man he was good at hugs. I remember his letters to me at Uni, I found some of them last night and he would always tell me that God wanted us to enjoy our life, so not to work too hard. I remember his huge mugs of coffee, in a thick rimmed cream mug with blue flowers on, twice the size of any other cups in the cupboard. Maybe that's where I get it from...I do have a thing about the right shape mug!

I remember his telescope and going into the telescope shed (not sure that's the right name!) and looking at the night sky and being amazed when he knew all the names of the stars and we got to see Venus one night - well, that's what he said it was!!

I remember him driving in the blue Mazda...that was a bit scary. We were never allowed to touch the radio and it was always on Classic FM. I remember him using Badedas bubble bath when we stayed over and the whole upstairs smelling of it...nice smell!

I remember the first day I went to see him at Sunrise, the first home he was in. Matilda was about 8 months. We walked in the gardens and she sat on his knee and he pulled a toy out of his pocket and gave it to her. It was a plaster rat, we think from a drawer pull or maybe the top of a walking stick. We have no idea where he got it, but she took it and didn't let go. He seemed to get a lot of pleasure from her accepting his gift. We put it on the shelf in her bedroom when we got home and just before we went on holiday last week Matilda decided she wanted it to go in the toy bag. She's carried it round with her ever since...calling him Ratty!

The last time I saw Bompa was at Cedar Court. We took Matilda and he was quite alert, had her on his knee for a while and gave her Malteasers! He didn't say much but he knew we were there.

I'm sad, but not for him. His illness and deterioration had a huge impact on many people and it's a relief to know that he died without pain having lived a life that he wanted. He was a brave determined man, full of mischief and very serious. He had his little ways of doing things, the things he was obsessed about which we didn't always understand but he loved us in his own way, not as demonstrative perhaps as others might be, but interested, caring and proud none the less.

He leaves 4 daughters, all independent, forthright, successful, beautiful and smart. He has 8 grandchildren, me being the eldest girl and 3 great grandchildren. I'm glad Matilda got to meet her great Bompa, that we took photos, that she has a memento. It's incredible to think that at nearly 31, this is my first grandparent to die. I feel happy and sad about that at the same time. I feel very fortunate to be able to have lived within all these generations and it has made me more determined to chronicle their lives, take photos, keep their letters and listen to their stories.

When I was in his study yesterday, I noticed he had the Footprints poem stuck on the wall by the door. I don't know about Bompa's faith but I know he was proud to be a moral and upstanding man. I hope he found comfort in the words of Footprints as I do now.

Rest in Peace Bompa. 1 Corinthians 15. The body that is planted will ruin and decay, but it is raised to a life that cannot be destroyed. Enjoy it Bompa and see you there!

big bedroom project...

As today is Thursday I was scheduled to be at home with M, working around her...However, I got home last night in mighty amounts of pain (which started on my journey home from Southend) and have since then been on strong painkillers. A resurgence of my previous endo issue which is not a surprise but did make today a little hectic. We arranged for M to go to her childminder for an extra day as I wasn't really able to look after myself or her since I was pretty doped, but I did have to be with it and awake between 12 and 4pm for the arrival of an IKEA van!

I was impressed with the service - we initially had a whole day delivry window, which got defined yesterday by text message so we knew it would be between 12 and 4. An hour before they arrived, we got a further phone call to say they'd be an hour so you had a bit of warning and the whole day wasn't wasted. So we have a new sitting room arm chair and all the stuff for our 'big bedroom project' resting for the time being in the garage. May is the month to rip out the current old fashioned fitted wardrobes, strip the flowery border and repaint, recarpet and then build new sliding door wardrobes and generally make it into a proper boudoir bedroom rather than just a dumping ground for clothes and a space to sleep for the minimum time possible!

When we moved in here, 3 years ago in June, we had a short period of time in which to get rid of the chintz, dust, horrible light fittings and brown kitchen. We did all we could before Matilda arrived and what we did was pretty impressive considering I was between 5 and 8 months pregnant during all the painting, stripping, building, installing etc. Our bedroom was the only room we didn't tackle, perhaps because we haven't had as much sleep as we've been used to since M's arrival! But the time has come...so May will be a working month, evenings, weekends and 3 weeks worth of work and roping in friends...shouldn't be too bad! The biggest delay has been the fact that we function as a B&B for many weekends of the year, hosting friends and family and since we'll have to move in to the spare room while work is happening, we had to wait til the diary is clear. Just so you know, if you're thinking of visiting in that time, we're closed!!

So that little bit of excitement wore me out and I went to bed for the afternoon, waking up very hungry but with little inclination to cook as I was still dopey with drugs. We had a take out curry which was nice and minimal effort and I feel a lift in my body and spirit. We've been watching Rachel Allen:Bake as comfort Telly and I have also been online and joined BookArmy to submit my book choices and gain recommendations for future reading, to try and widen my scope. It's a good site and you can share with friends so I will soon!

Have a good weekend whatever you're up to...